Stories I wish the Nisqually Valley News could have written in 2013:

Microsoft relocates to Lawrence Lake and moves its 43,000 Puget Sound employees to the area at top-paying wages.

With all the growth from the Microsoft relocation, the mega-tunneler Big Bertha is used to build an underground transportation corridor from Triad Theater to Interstate 5, with the blessings of local politician JT Wilcox (who included the $5 billion project in the state Legislature’s transportation budget). Big Bertha runs into unknown object near Rainier. Turns out to be underground race track beneath the Cadillac Ranch property.

NVN wins Pulitzer Prize in fiction writing for Christmas children’s book “Tinytwinkle Lost in Yelm.”

Brad and Angelina join Ramtha School of Enlightenment, move to Yelm and Angelina becomes a reporter for the Nisqually Valley News. Brad is put in charge of circulation. Circulation soars.

Bigfoot discovered a block away from NVN headquarters at Dairy Queen eating a half-pound Flamethrower (two quarter pound patties, two slices of pepper jack cheese, two strips jalapeño bacon, lettuce, tomato and Tabasco/mayonnaise) along with a large Coke. NVN gets the scoop.

Bigfoot then caught on camera munching on the historic Nisqually River pink salmon run at McKenna Park, makes front page of the newspaper and story goes national. Duck Dynasty family flees recent controversy to go on family Bigfoot hunting trip, discovers duck calls don’t work on the big fella, but finds success using Stewart’s beef barbecue ribs as bait. At last minute, they bond over length of facial hair.

NVN publisher criticizes Duck Dynasty reality show in column, says it is nothing more than a scripted sitcom and that the family is worth about $400 million; adds that the macho guys were clean-cut polo wearing golf preppies before doing the show. Duck Dynasty family creates new reality show featuring hunting down said publisher. NVN columnist and local Pastor Jeff Adams comes to publisher’s rescue. Duck Dynasty obviously never heard from again, heard wimpering, “dang, that Yelm just didn’t take to Uncle Si.”

Former Tenino Mayor Eric Strawn moves to Yelm, opens pot dispensary/comedy club and plans to run for mayor on platform “Tenino was just too normal for me.”

JZ Knight, Inc. sues to have Mazama pocket gopher unprotected after Mima Mounds type of structures appear across her compound linked to gopher activity. Virginia Coverdale countersues, says the gophers live in her car and are “cuddly.” Pastor Adams simply states, “come on, they’re a bunch of rodents.” NVN publisher declines to comment after experience with Duck Dynasty.

Mayor Ron Harding joins RSE, practices remote viewing, hits Lotto. Harding buys all of downtown Yelm, plans to turn it into Prairie Disneyland via partnership with Red Wind Casino complete with massive water park and a few city park upgrades. Local activist Steve Klein protests, says not enough water to power waterslide from Triad Theater to Red Wind Casino. Klein says $1 billion waterparks are fine, but need public input.

Yelm publisher settles down back into community journalism and hard news after first wonderful holiday season on the prairie. Send me your news and feature tips, or just give me a call to chat.

My New Year’s resolution: Never wear elf tights again.

Here’s hoping for an inspiring 2014. Happy New Year.

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(1) comment


Pocket Gophers ARE cuddly...and TASTY nom nom nom[beam]

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